


swallowing light

by moriphyte



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gen, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Swallowing glass, calling it healing //<br/>sharp edges ripping apart what is left<br/>of the heart until there is nothing but<br/>empty space & we can swallow<br/>light, we will swallow<br/>the light, we will (try to)<br/>swallow the light,<br/>(if only the blood would<br/>stop pouring.)"<br/>-excerpt from pragmatic, <a href="https://griefpoem.tumblr.com//">Han Hyland</a></p><p>when you were a chid you swallowed the light just to see what would happen<br/>it was a lot easier going down than up</p>
            </blockquote>





	swallowing light

**Author's Note:**

> Something stupid while I sit in my car in a gas station parking lot  
> I had a shit day

It hit you hard  
The weight of it. You could feel it forming, crystalizing in your stomach, weighing you down. Drowning you.  
You pull the hood of your dragon cape up to cover your face and hug yourself, pressing fingers into already bruised skin. You pull your legs up against your body and press your head against them. As your mind processes the weight grows more. Every pulse of a neuron adds another facet. Why does your mind have to be so alive?  
You feel him coming, heavy and dark and smelling of rot  
You feel massless hands on you and you know that she is there too.  
The difference is that she is only matterless lines in your mind. She isn't real anymore.  
He is real  
He is very very terribly real and you hate that he is  
You hate him  
"Hey there baby girl" he says  
You hate him so much  
When you don't say anything he says it again, the volume of his voice fluctuating between whispering and yelling.  
You hate that.  
"I said motherfuckin HEY, baby girl."  
You really hate that  
You keep your eyes focused on the ground in front of his feet and try to disguise your involuntary flinch at his raised voice  
You feel his anger at this and enjoy a small, internal victory before you close your eyes and ready yourself for what you know is coming next  
You probably should have just answered him but you're too tired to care anymore  
He hits you so hard you can't see and you almost want it to stay this way, the way it used to be  
But it doesn't  
Your vision focuses just as he hits you again  
He shoves you to the ground and pins you there  
You don't feel the pain you should when you hit the ground  
You don't feel anything  
"Are you motherfuckin DEAF now too?" he yells  
He smiles  
You hate his smile.  
When you don't answer he keeps talking, leaning over you so that his mouth is by your ear, hot breath on your neck, while he holds you in place by your hair  
He's disgusting  
He makes you sick  
"Oh yeah, how could I all up and get my forgetting on about how you got to makin yourself even more useless, you're not motherfuckin blind no more are you now baby girl? Too bad, your miraculous lack of motherfuckin eyesight is the only thing that got to all up and makin you worth something. You was a talented little legislacerator in trainin, you was a blind bitch who didn't take no shit, now you worth shit"  
You keep your eyes focused on nothing and your lip closed  
Maybe if you act as dead as you feel he will just leave you alone  
But he likes the dead, says his collection of your friends severed heads  
When you don't respond he makes a frustrated noise and pulls your head up by your hair, slamming your it into the ground again  
You still feel nothing but the pressure of your back against the ground and his legs against your sides and the dull throbbing of your head  
The ground is cold and you try to focus on that  
"Motherfucking answer me, bitch!"  
You don't.  
Silence is the only fight you have the energy for anymore.  
You don't want to do this shit today  
You want him to just go away  
But he doesn't  
He pulls you up by your hair and you can't help but cry out in pain. That makes him smile. He slams you against the wall and your vision fractures and blurs  
You try to focus but your eyes are tired and heavy. Your mind and body are numb but everything hurts. It all hurts. Somehow numbness hurts  
He's talking but you can't hear him  
He yanks your head back by your hair and your eyes focus on him  
He smiles  
You really, really hate his smile  
"There you go, little sister" he says, wiping teal blood from your lips.  
You feel sick  
"Now isn't that motherfuckin better?"  
Somewhere in the numbness you find the energy for a little fight  
You look up pointedly into his fevered purple eyes and visibly close your lips  
You don't speak but the message is clear  
"Fuck you"  
And in case it wasn't clear, in some absolutely stupid burst of confidence, you decide to make it clear  
You taste your teal blood in your mouth and smile for the first time in months as you spit it right in his face  
The smile instantly drops from his face and you've never been happier  
It takes a second for it to happen but you knew it would and you still did it  
The yellow of his eyes darkens to orange and then red  
Rage  
He shoves you down and your back hits the corner of the wall  
He stands over you and he isn't smiling anymore. Good. That fact alone almost makes this worth it.  
Then he kicks you. He kicks you again and again and again and you curl in on yourself and wait for it to stop  
You think this must be how Nepeta felt right before she died and you're too numb to feel the pain of missing her  
You want him to just kill you  
You think that must be how Nepeta felt too  
You focus on the pain of that instead of the pain of the beating  
You think you see her then, your other friend, your best friend, your sister, the matterless girl  
The girl who's life you ended  
Her form shifts and blurs  
You see eight of her  
You try to focus  
She looks the same as that day two years ago but for one thing  
She looks sad  
Your stomach hurts  
You think it might be all the kicking  
He kicks your stomach hard and your nausea heaves from you as puke all over the floor  
Her eight eyes are white and faceted as crystal and her lips and nose are bloody with cerulean  
Her face is a child's  
You forgot how much you have grown since then  
She never got to grow because of you  
You grew with her once, you were sisters. Now shes gone. Because of you  
"I'm so sorry" you try to say but teal blood blocks your lips  
She only looks at you with those sad crystal eyes  
"Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" you say  
She is level with you now  
She puts her child's hand against your face. Her bloody lips part to form words and she speaks in her voice  
"I know-"  
You want to cry  
"-baby girl" and she speaks in his voice  
Now you do cry  
He holds your head up with a loose grip on your hair to look at him and his eyes are yellow again. His hold on you is almost soft. That or you are going numb. You think it must be the latter.  
"That better now, sister?" He asks, smoothing down your blood matted hair  
That's only soothing when Kanaya does it, coming from him it just feels gross and violating  
You want him to stop touching you  
You're sick, he makes you sick  
He holds you against him while you cough, blood dripping from your mouth.  
You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and nod, letting your head drop against his chest  
You're numb again  
"Yes" you say, voice dead  
"Thats what I motherfuckin thought" he says  
With that he pushes you back and you hit the corner of the wall with a small sound of pain  
"See ya sis, good to get my motherfuckin converse on with ya" he says, ruffling your hair. When you flinch away from his touch he laughs. "That's the shits bitch tits my wicked sis, you get your school feedin on faster than a motherfucker"  
And then he turns and walks into the darkness of the paths of your meteor home, leaving you pressed against the wall, numb  
You don't know how long you stay there but when you open your eyes there is a glow down the hallway in front of you. You stand but immediately stumble against the wall  
Your whole body is pulsing in pain  
The numbness just had to choose now to wear off  
"Fuck this" you mumble, pressing your hands against the cold wall to ground your body and sighting deeply  
Let's just get this over with  
You walk slowly towards the glow, ignoring the pain in your whole body at the movement of every limb  
You find that you are near the common room and the glow is from the wood burning in the brick fireplace. On the couch someone is curled up asleep. When you walk into the common room you see that that person is Rose. When you see the wine bottles and smell the alcohol you know that sleeping isn't the right word for it, more like passed out. You could just leave her there but you and Dave's room is beside the common room and you know it would upset him to wake up in the morning and see his sister passed out drunk again. Also as tired as you are you know you wouldn't want to be left like this.  
She's a Seer too, on some plane of existence you understand each other You lean down and shake her shoulder and she opens her pale purple eyes which are lined with smudged black makeup. "Hm, Terzi Terezi*? Wha what*?" She asks. "You passed out" you say. You keep your head down under the hood of your dragon cape but when you lift your head to look at her her smudged black lips part and her eyes widen. She puts up a hand to touch your face but you flinch away. "Yur your* face" she slurs. "It's nothing, let's just get you to bed okay" you say. Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, "no no noes, Kanya Kanaya* is ther there*" she says, hiccuping. "It's fine you can come to my room" you say. She shakes her head even more "but dabe dave*" she says. "No I mean my room, not the one I share with Dave" you say. She looks at you with lost purple eyes. "Just come with me" you say. You help her up and she leans her weight on you. Unfortunately you forgot how hurt you are and you stumble at the added weight as you can barely carry your own. Once you steady yourself you help her down the hallway to your room, passing Dave and Karkat's rooms on the way. Both doors are closed but from under Karkat's there is a small moving glow. He probably fell asleep watching movies again. You push through the door of your room and turn on the only light in the room. You help Rose over to the mattress against the wall and sit her down on top of the comforter. You almost never sleep in here anymore as you usually share a room with Dave. You keep a lot of your things here but most of your most important things are in Dave's room. This room is mostly just a mess of chalk and scalemates and law books and drawings you and Dave made and empty faygo bottles and bike horns. Your bed is a mess of brightly colored sheets and pillow cases that don't match and a white comforter with colorful scalemates all over it. You help Rose sit up against the pile of pillows and walk to the bathroom to go get water for her  
You fill one of your coffee mugs with water from the sink and are just about to bring it to her when she runs passed you and drops to her knees on the bathroom floor  
She grabs the sides of the toilet and retched into the toilet bowl  
She heaves and throws up a few more times before slumping with her cheek against the seat of the toilet  
She looks up and smiles up at you tiredly with her black smudged lips  
"Pretty pathetics pathetic* huh?" she says  
You shake your head and let out a breath of laughter, "yeah, kinda"  
She laughs and turns so that her forehead is pressed to the toilet seat  
"it really is"  
"Come on" you say, setting the mug of water on the sink and helping her up  
She leans on you and you grab the mug with your other hand as you help her to the bed  
You sit her down on the bed and hand her the mug carefully, sitting down beside her  
She sips at it and keeps her head down, looking down at the water in the cup  
"Thnks thanks*" he says quietly  
You give her a small smile and wince at the your split in you lip  
"Why'd you hep help* me?" She asks, looking up at you with purple eyes still clouded with inebriation  
"Why wouldn't I?" You ask  
She shrugs, "dunno, thougths thought* you might tell Dave"  
You shake your head, "no, it would just make him upset"  
She nods, "I knows"  
You don't say anything and she looks up at her from where she was sipping her water again  
"You're not gonnsa gonna* ask me why I keeps doins it if it makes him the sads?"  
You shake you head, "I already know why"  
She doesn't respond  
She looks at you and blinks a few times like it's difficult for her to focus on your face, "what happended happened* to your face?"  
You bite the inside of your cheek but don't answer  
She looks at you with those almost unsettling purple eyes but just like she didn't respond to you saying you knew why she drank she doesn't ask you again  
Instead she finishes off her water and sets it on the ground beside the mattress  
"Thanks for helpin me" she says  
You nod, "no problem, your should probably get some sleep"  
She nods in agreement, "yeah, I'll probs be hung over in the morning but the more sleep I get the better it wills will* be"  
You nod again and move to stand but she grabs your arm  
You look down at her in confusion  
"Stay here"  
"Why?" You ask  
"You helped me, I'm gonns going* to help you"  
"How is this helping me?" You ask  
"You don't want Dave to see you come back in the middle of the night with all that blood on your face" she says  
You pause, she's right  
"Okay, thanks"  
She lays down on the side of the mattress closest to the wall and you walk to the bathroom to wash the blood from your face  
You wince from the pain but eventually you get yourself cleaned up  
When you walk back into the room Rose is already asleep and snoring, drooling on your pillow  
Dave says you do that too  
Maybe it's a Seer thing  
You lay down beside her and on second thought grab one of your scalemates off the floor  
You hold it close to you and bury your face in its soft plush fur  
As you drift off, listening to Rose snoring beside you, you think that maybe things could get better


End file.
